Just...

There is dark, then there is nothingness. Right now, at this moment, I live in both. It's almost 7 and i feel the cool sting of nighttime weighing me down, and just the suttle thought of what Monday brings. it brings uncertainty, it brings heat, it brings a wave of doubt and emotion.

It's not about my birthday anymore, or trying to hang out when I can. It's about...nothing. it's about how my world ends. Or does it end? I sit here writing this because I know that no one will read it anytime soon and wonder should i really tell what's on my mind this time or just fake a smile like everything is ok.

everything is not ok. In fact it is far from over, and very far from being ok.

I quit my job, very half heardedly and in a brash move because that night I was ready to kill myself and knew somewhere inside i shouldn't: but what else is left? Debts, rent, a life that i can't seem to make right even every time i do, I do something else rash to make it worse

and part of me can't seem to help myself

i sat in a stupor for two days before I got my ass up to really look for another job and not wait until Monday.

And maybe that was my saving grace, my desire still not to give up.

Or maybe it's a curse, to always push the line because so many people believe in me.

and all i seem to do is let them down.

over

and over

you get the idea.

Sometimes I don't know what I have except for movies to calm me. And yet they can also bring me to a point of self destruction.

a point of self realization that nothing is what it seems, and maybe I have a sense of disassociation at the moment, living from paycheck to pay check with nothing to keep me calmer.

That's why the last two days i haven't listen to music, don't watch tv until it is far in the afternoon, because I don't want a fantasy, i want a genuine reality where I an be proud of where i work, of who I am.

But that's the rub, my reality is my perception of myself.

and I have a very shit perception of myself.

So i don't sit here with a gun in my hand or a knife self mutlating as i speak to myself.

i just sit here with the only noise behind me an air conditioner running.

Stairing into the dark with nothing but the blue glow of my flat screen stairing back at me.

I have the weekend.

And then on Monday reality begins again.

and I have to realize that i was so unhappy with myself and my shit job, that i tried to kill myself

and that i want so much out of life that it pains to think about it.

so just realize guy one thing

just.

Let love rule...Motherfucker.

So here I am two and a half months from turning 27. In the last month and a half I have been in a state of isolation. I have felt sorry for myself, questioned if I should really be here in PHX, and the state of friendships because of a nasty back and forth e-mail fight (started by me one night when i was drunk and wanted to vent to someone for two and a half years i considered a friend dumped me like i wasn't shit).i admit that those e-mails while i only glimpsed at the nature of them, got to me.She called me a "faget with AIDS". Which showed me two things: one she shouldn't say the word 'faggot' to someone unless she knows how to spell it correctly, in order to insult a gay man. And two: she never, by her own words, considered me a real friend, even if I did.

i was just someone that she knew from basic and that was it. And more than that, after she decided that she would leave both of our former places of residence (she left before me to another apt because of her roommate saying the truth and she ran away from it because she thought it was an act of betrayal for her roommate to show disgust and concern of her pill usage and how she acts when she was like that, I left because unfortunately I couldn't afford the place anymore. Come on 708 for a frigging studio just because of the location, shit like that i can get in DC metro area back on the East coast, I didn't come for that) but after that, i realized something the other day from a memory that i was trying to keep even from myself: she meant to just leave me alone, to abandon our 'friendship' but because i foolishly still owed her 600 for 'helping me', and I use the term loosely, with rent, she was playing 'friend' still only to get her money back. still bitching about her former roommate, and my friend, who is a real friend to me.So in the mists of what has transpired from that little vent that happened a month ago, I secluded myself more than I had before I left. I consider the world my enemy, and my life, shit. I wondered if I should go back home in that time, in my Isolation period.And to make matters worse, my health began to decline: my teeth began to hurt, i had a sore throat for a week, and my mind felt as if it was going to leave, leaving an empty shell ready to break.But now, I understand that my time in pain both emotionally, and physically through this month, was a test in some ways.Even the loss of the disillusionment of a love that i have kept for almost five years, the pain of losing that love, was all a test. and now, I am ready. Not completely, but there is a part of myself that is growing through the rest of me, that shows me that I am not a failure, not a criminal, not a horrible person, but just a person all the same; that I can make the choice to be obsessed with being with someone, or concern myself with the love I have for my friends and my family.A week ago, I told a friend that I think it is my fate to be with my friends and my family, to just have their love and nothing more. No ‘man in my life’ no great love, JUST love.I said that and they thought it was another pity party from me. But in truth, it was the realization, that I kind of prefer it that way. Sex is not even the major issue anymore (even if I’m a Scorpio, sex is a passion of ours not an obsession). Sex comes and goes, but family and the family of friends, true friends, last until the dying days.

So I sit here, on my day off and I think of my family and my friends. I think of Christine, who for almost 12 years has been my laughter, and my heart, my sorrow, and joy, and my truest guiding light. I think of Dionne, Teresa, and Vikki, ladies to which i have grown with since a kid, who have grown with me just as much as my own family. I think of my brother, to which I am astounded at his courage in the last few years to finally be in the life that he has wanted, and not that of what he felt our family wanted out of him. my mother and Father, who have taught me that things always may seem hard, but through grace and patience, things always come around. I think of Savy, Jessie, Chavo, and even Ruben, who have shown me here in PHX that good hearts still exist, even when it feels as if there is no one else who has a true heart.It is in these things that I realize that the pain that i have experienced in the last 10 months is nothing compared to the joys that I originally thought was fleeting, was that of something meant to last. In everything i realize that my time here in PHX is that which something was truly meant to happen. That I am a creature with hope still and that Love will rule....Motherfucker.

regrouping

So I originally wanted to call this isolation part two, but even if I felt that way, it wouold have sounded too cliche to me so I'll just go ahead and continue on.

I am too concerned with other people's joys, what they have in their lives and how it always seems that I'm the one who always ends up being without anything to show. I wonder: is it all in my head or is it really that I have nothing for myself except for more debts and bullshit that i can count?

I don't trust much anymore and I feel more distant with the rest of my family than I ever have before. And friendship? Don't make me laugh. In the entire time that I have been here in PHX, i have learned to doubt the trust of friends even exists here. i keep wondering who is a real friend, and who is going to hurt me, say shit be hind my back, and ultimately just treat me as I was nothing in the first place to them, like 'she' did.

I know not everyone's like that, savy's not like that, chavo's not like that however it still doesn't stop me from having the paranoia that someone else will come into my life, and play the part as friend, only to be a self serving bitch who uses people for their own gain.

Oh and let's not get on the relationship factor. In the years that i have been dating, I have had only four boyfriends, and only one that last for 7 months only. I keep hearing about these relationships that last for years, and I wonder was it me who was ethe one who just didn't want that, was listening to my friends when they would say ' you could do so much better' a good thing, even if it was after the fact? even if it was after the break up?

i spent a good portion of my 20's looking for the one, that now I'm at the point where i don't want the one, or anyone for that matter.

i spent the last four years pinning for a guy who wanted less of me, all because he kept thinking I would die before my time. Of course it's more than that don't get me wrong, but in the long run, who hurt more? I wasted opportunity on this guy when I knew there would be nothing of it. EVER.

So now I'm tired. In my little solitude, writting (sometimes) and hoping to get a good story out one of these days. Still working on the book with Ruben, and still looking for a better job, so I can keep my nice affordable apt.

But mostly I'm tired of the future that i can never see and the present which seems to suck, and a past that has had way too many mistakes that could have been averted.

I'm just fucing tired.

stupid kid

The title says it all. for four years i galavanted and did what i thought I wanted, because i didn't 'have to' take meds. and now with a case of hurting gums, I was told that it may that time now... to take meds. I wanted that to never. However in the long run, in the run of things, i guess it was inevitable.

And I come home and I'm listening to Thinking of you by Lenny Kravitz, and I'm thinking to myself, is it that i have been running from myself? Is it that my former, friend/enemy/bullshit friend, was right? Have I been running from myself?

Maybe. Ii didn't think I'd get caught with what i have, I thought I'd be in the clear as I was trying to find myself in life, in DC. However, that was NOT the case.

And when I found out, I was ok, just trying to get through my uncles death, my grandmother's and still find who I am. I find that now, i was just a stupid kid. I thought I was invincible, even when I told others we were not.

Being 20 something does not make you invincible.

Nothing does.

But now i want to try, I want to try to be the things that my mother knew I could be.
Responsible.
Reliable.
A role model.
and someone that wants to live his life, with his family, friends and blood

i don't know--lol

I have to think....

life down on me

I have had a instance where i like some one and didn't jump for bedding them the first time I meet them. I met a guy on myspace and in that, it was months ago, but at the same time he seemed cool and I thought i would say hello.

for awhile there I didn't even think to think that I might get a response...but lo and behold I did. and then nothing, then after i answered the follow up, nothing, then I get a response to my response and send my number in the next message.

two days ago,I get a txt, from the myspace guy and we txt back and forth for two hours. it was nice, no sex talk, not dirty 'gettin it on' type of talk, just talk, and plenty of laughs in between.

He's nice, and bitchy, and cute, and sweet. and more than that he has confidence (love that about a guy) I wouldn't need to tell him to feel better about himself, he's developed his confidence over time and he's only 21.

so he comes over last night and we watch poltergist (which for some reason he has never seen) and we talk for two hours afterwards and I loved every minute of it. I haven't REALLY liked a guy in a minute, but I like him, and hope to keep hanging out with him and get to know him more.

I want to get to know him more. and part of me feels that he feells the same too.

i don't know, but i do know that time will tell. well either end up hooking up and being something or just friends, and i can at least say that I have a gay friend in AZ that likes to do some the same things that i do, and is smart confident, sexy (in his own way) and kind.

either one, would be very nice.

isolation

for the last few months I have been in a state of isolation, even to the point of when my brother came down from tuscan after finishing business, took me out to see star trek, and i could have gone out with him and some fluzy he met here to have drinks and laughs and have a good time. Instead i retreat home and wallow in my own self loathing.

why is it that I have succumb myself to isolation? To being a hermit? Of course now the main thing is that it is 'too hot' here (which it is) to do anything most of the day without a car. however i understand that is more than that. i can't blame it on alchohol anymore because I've actually slowed down (at least to the point of not getting drunk immediately after work), i can't blame it on shitty friends who were never friends in the first place (a bitch who will always see her self as the 'rightous one')

But in the long run, who is to blame? It's def. not anyone elses, only my own. i decided that every expereince was something that i didn't want to expereience, and therefore it was better to just be alone. and in someways that is true, seeing that I am trying t find my own FULL identity.

But is total isolation really the answer?

well that answer will come in time.

i i fell

I sit at home cooking some damn good fried chx and just listening to the soundtrack to Across the Universe and loving every minute. and I wonder, was I meant to come to PHX or just planted myself here, on a whim? I keep thinking the last week or so, that maybe I should just friggen go back to MD, and part of me wants to so bad, but at the same time i find myself,today, after talking briefly with a co worker of mine, that maybe I'm jumping the gun. I wanted to expereince the west coast, or at least get closer to it, and just sitting around and then saying 'it's not working. gotta go home' is more of a give up cry than giving it a real look see. some of the people I have met, the places I have seen so far, have been beautiful. My time here, hasn't been great, I'll tell the truth, but is it really 'easy' for anyone leave everything the ey knew, to venture out and try to go beyond what they know, who they thought they were/are?

So I have eight months before my new lease is out, maybe I will figure it out by then...
right now, as the track changes to Lenny K. I don't give a fuck. My food smells too good to do so--lol