Just...

There is dark, then there is nothingness. Right now, at this moment, I live in both. It's almost 7 and i feel the cool sting of nighttime weighing me down, and just the suttle thought of what Monday brings. it brings uncertainty, it brings heat, it brings a wave of doubt and emotion.

It's not about my birthday anymore, or trying to hang out when I can. It's about...nothing. it's about how my world ends. Or does it end? I sit here writing this because I know that no one will read it anytime soon and wonder should i really tell what's on my mind this time or just fake a smile like everything is ok.

everything is not ok. In fact it is far from over, and very far from being ok.

I quit my job, very half heardedly and in a brash move because that night I was ready to kill myself and knew somewhere inside i shouldn't: but what else is left? Debts, rent, a life that i can't seem to make right even every time i do, I do something else rash to make it worse

and part of me can't seem to help myself

i sat in a stupor for two days before I got my ass up to really look for another job and not wait until Monday.

And maybe that was my saving grace, my desire still not to give up.

Or maybe it's a curse, to always push the line because so many people believe in me.

and all i seem to do is let them down.

over

and over

you get the idea.

Sometimes I don't know what I have except for movies to calm me. And yet they can also bring me to a point of self destruction.

a point of self realization that nothing is what it seems, and maybe I have a sense of disassociation at the moment, living from paycheck to pay check with nothing to keep me calmer.

That's why the last two days i haven't listen to music, don't watch tv until it is far in the afternoon, because I don't want a fantasy, i want a genuine reality where I an be proud of where i work, of who I am.

But that's the rub, my reality is my perception of myself.

and I have a very shit perception of myself.

So i don't sit here with a gun in my hand or a knife self mutlating as i speak to myself.

i just sit here with the only noise behind me an air conditioner running.

Stairing into the dark with nothing but the blue glow of my flat screen stairing back at me.

I have the weekend.

And then on Monday reality begins again.

and I have to realize that i was so unhappy with myself and my shit job, that i tried to kill myself

and that i want so much out of life that it pains to think about it.

so just realize guy one thing

just.