regrouping

So I originally wanted to call this isolation part two, but even if I felt that way, it wouold have sounded too cliche to me so I'll just go ahead and continue on.

I am too concerned with other people's joys, what they have in their lives and how it always seems that I'm the one who always ends up being without anything to show. I wonder: is it all in my head or is it really that I have nothing for myself except for more debts and bullshit that i can count?

I don't trust much anymore and I feel more distant with the rest of my family than I ever have before. And friendship? Don't make me laugh. In the entire time that I have been here in PHX, i have learned to doubt the trust of friends even exists here. i keep wondering who is a real friend, and who is going to hurt me, say shit be hind my back, and ultimately just treat me as I was nothing in the first place to them, like 'she' did.

I know not everyone's like that, savy's not like that, chavo's not like that however it still doesn't stop me from having the paranoia that someone else will come into my life, and play the part as friend, only to be a self serving bitch who uses people for their own gain.

Oh and let's not get on the relationship factor. In the years that i have been dating, I have had only four boyfriends, and only one that last for 7 months only. I keep hearing about these relationships that last for years, and I wonder was it me who was ethe one who just didn't want that, was listening to my friends when they would say ' you could do so much better' a good thing, even if it was after the fact? even if it was after the break up?

i spent a good portion of my 20's looking for the one, that now I'm at the point where i don't want the one, or anyone for that matter.

i spent the last four years pinning for a guy who wanted less of me, all because he kept thinking I would die before my time. Of course it's more than that don't get me wrong, but in the long run, who hurt more? I wasted opportunity on this guy when I knew there would be nothing of it. EVER.

So now I'm tired. In my little solitude, writting (sometimes) and hoping to get a good story out one of these days. Still working on the book with Ruben, and still looking for a better job, so I can keep my nice affordable apt.

But mostly I'm tired of the future that i can never see and the present which seems to suck, and a past that has had way too many mistakes that could have been averted.

I'm just fucing tired.