Let love rule...Motherfucker.

So here I am two and a half months from turning 27. In the last month and a half I have been in a state of isolation. I have felt sorry for myself, questioned if I should really be here in PHX, and the state of friendships because of a nasty back and forth e-mail fight (started by me one night when i was drunk and wanted to vent to someone for two and a half years i considered a friend dumped me like i wasn't shit).i admit that those e-mails while i only glimpsed at the nature of them, got to me.She called me a "faget with AIDS". Which showed me two things: one she shouldn't say the word 'faggot' to someone unless she knows how to spell it correctly, in order to insult a gay man. And two: she never, by her own words, considered me a real friend, even if I did.

i was just someone that she knew from basic and that was it. And more than that, after she decided that she would leave both of our former places of residence (she left before me to another apt because of her roommate saying the truth and she ran away from it because she thought it was an act of betrayal for her roommate to show disgust and concern of her pill usage and how she acts when she was like that, I left because unfortunately I couldn't afford the place anymore. Come on 708 for a frigging studio just because of the location, shit like that i can get in DC metro area back on the East coast, I didn't come for that) but after that, i realized something the other day from a memory that i was trying to keep even from myself: she meant to just leave me alone, to abandon our 'friendship' but because i foolishly still owed her 600 for 'helping me', and I use the term loosely, with rent, she was playing 'friend' still only to get her money back. still bitching about her former roommate, and my friend, who is a real friend to me.So in the mists of what has transpired from that little vent that happened a month ago, I secluded myself more than I had before I left. I consider the world my enemy, and my life, shit. I wondered if I should go back home in that time, in my Isolation period.And to make matters worse, my health began to decline: my teeth began to hurt, i had a sore throat for a week, and my mind felt as if it was going to leave, leaving an empty shell ready to break.But now, I understand that my time in pain both emotionally, and physically through this month, was a test in some ways.Even the loss of the disillusionment of a love that i have kept for almost five years, the pain of losing that love, was all a test. and now, I am ready. Not completely, but there is a part of myself that is growing through the rest of me, that shows me that I am not a failure, not a criminal, not a horrible person, but just a person all the same; that I can make the choice to be obsessed with being with someone, or concern myself with the love I have for my friends and my family.A week ago, I told a friend that I think it is my fate to be with my friends and my family, to just have their love and nothing more. No ‘man in my life’ no great love, JUST love.I said that and they thought it was another pity party from me. But in truth, it was the realization, that I kind of prefer it that way. Sex is not even the major issue anymore (even if I’m a Scorpio, sex is a passion of ours not an obsession). Sex comes and goes, but family and the family of friends, true friends, last until the dying days.

So I sit here, on my day off and I think of my family and my friends. I think of Christine, who for almost 12 years has been my laughter, and my heart, my sorrow, and joy, and my truest guiding light. I think of Dionne, Teresa, and Vikki, ladies to which i have grown with since a kid, who have grown with me just as much as my own family. I think of my brother, to which I am astounded at his courage in the last few years to finally be in the life that he has wanted, and not that of what he felt our family wanted out of him. my mother and Father, who have taught me that things always may seem hard, but through grace and patience, things always come around. I think of Savy, Jessie, Chavo, and even Ruben, who have shown me here in PHX that good hearts still exist, even when it feels as if there is no one else who has a true heart.It is in these things that I realize that the pain that i have experienced in the last 10 months is nothing compared to the joys that I originally thought was fleeting, was that of something meant to last. In everything i realize that my time here in PHX is that which something was truly meant to happen. That I am a creature with hope still and that Love will rule....Motherfucker.