isolation

for the last few months I have been in a state of isolation, even to the point of when my brother came down from tuscan after finishing business, took me out to see star trek, and i could have gone out with him and some fluzy he met here to have drinks and laughs and have a good time. Instead i retreat home and wallow in my own self loathing.

why is it that I have succumb myself to isolation? To being a hermit? Of course now the main thing is that it is 'too hot' here (which it is) to do anything most of the day without a car. however i understand that is more than that. i can't blame it on alchohol anymore because I've actually slowed down (at least to the point of not getting drunk immediately after work), i can't blame it on shitty friends who were never friends in the first place (a bitch who will always see her self as the 'rightous one')

But in the long run, who is to blame? It's def. not anyone elses, only my own. i decided that every expereince was something that i didn't want to expereience, and therefore it was better to just be alone. and in someways that is true, seeing that I am trying t find my own FULL identity.

But is total isolation really the answer?

well that answer will come in time.